A Letter to Brayson 7 months old

Dear Brayson,
I wanted to write you this letter b/c I want you to know just how much I love you! Before becoming your mommy I had visions of what it would be like to be a mother. I can say that most of those visions aren't what I had expected or thought it would be like. It is so much more. The love I feel for you is sometimes overwhelming. Every night when I feed you your bottle before putting you to bed I pray to God and thank Him so very much for letting me be your mommy and for blessing me with the most amazing gift and blessing I could have ever asked for. I look at you as you fall asleep in my arms and my heart just grows bigger and I can just feel my love growing. I look at your little face full on innocence and beauty and I know there is absolutely no place on this earth I would rather be than holding you in my arms! When you eat your night time bottle you and I play with our hands together and it is something I love to do! During the day I will look at you and you will look back at me and you give me a smile that just melts me! Every morning when I go in your room to get you up you stare up at me and give me a huge smile and I know that no matter what happens that day, that I have you and your love and it will be good! You don't even have to say that you love me but I can tell by the way that you look at me that you do! I also know that when you are in my arms you feel safe and happy and that I am your protector and always will be! You have made me a mommy the thing I always wanted to be in my life and I just love you so very much! I am so excited that I get to spend the rest of my life knowing and loving you. I know that every night when I close my eyes that my heart will be fuller than it was the day before! I always wondered why it took us so long to get pregnant or why we had to go through what we did, but now looking back I wouldn't change a thing b/c if we did I wouldn't have you. I would have waited a million years if it meant I got to be your mommy! I am looking forward to our life with you growing up and seeing what kind of man you will become! I know that no matter what you choose to do and where you will go that your daddy and me will support you every step of the way!! Speaking of your daddy I just have to add a few things about him too. Your daddy loves you so much too!! He looks at you with awe and amazement on his face all the time! Sometimes he will look at you and get tears in his eyes b/c he loves you so much! We are always amazed by the new things you do but your daddy is your biggest fan! He's always cheering you on and just loves to see you doing new things! He was meant to be a daddy in his life... he was meant to be your daddy! Sometimes I can't decide who to watch you or him b/c I love seeing the love in his eyes he has for you!! Anyway, sweet boy, I want you to know how absolutely loved you are and how much better our lives are for you being in it!! I promise for the rest of your life you will always be so loved and the apple of our eyes!! I must also add that your grandparents are quite smitten with you too! They come over just to see you and they love you so much! You are a very lucky little boy!

This is what you are doing now in your life:

On your 6 month Birthday you learned how to roll from your back to your belly. Since that day its been hard to keep you on your back. You have started to roll in your sleep and now sleep on your belly most nights. You will wake up once a night and have mommy come in and roll you over to your back, but then just roll right back over to your belly. When you play on the floor you have started to crawl backwards and will go all over the place. I don't think you are very far off from crawling. You are now starting to sit for long periods of time without assistance. You spend hours a day jumping in your jumper and you love it! You are eating 4 bottles a day with 8 oz each and you eat a mixed fruit and a mixed veggie a day! You love getting out of the house and are quite the ladies man! You make peoples day all the time just by giving them one of your beautiful smiles! You like to "babble" and I think you are going to be very much like your daddy! You can't sit still and we are in for it when you do get mobile! You eat your last bottle at 10pm and usually wake up anytime between 9am and 10am (nice for your mommy)! Everyday, you learn something new and it is fascinating! You love to laugh at your daddy for anything! You laughed the hardest you have laughed at your daddy dropping the pillow on the ground! You are a very happy baby!! You are going to the dr. today but when we weighed you on our scale you weighed over 19lbs so we will see!! You are chubby and we love it! You have the cutest cheeks and they were made for kissing! You do not have any teeth yet! We shall see what the next month brings but I'm sure it will be very exciting and you will learn even more! Your nicknames are piglet, Bray Bray and Bray boo!! I love you!!

Love,
Mommy

Brayson's 2 months old!!

After Danny had been back to work for a week he received news that they were switching him to evening shift. This was like our worst nightmare because it has to be the worst shift 2pm until 11pm. So he is pretty much gone all day. He tried everything but couldn't get it worked out and had to work this shift. I think this depressed both of us a lot. We didn't get to spend a lot of time together now. We did work it out that he would come home and have baby duty until the 2 am feeding. At this point we started to let Brayson wake us up when he was ready to eat instead of being on a schedule now that he was gaining weight properly. Although, this worked out nice in letting me get some sleep it meant that Danny was going to sleep in and he usually didn't get up until after 11 or 11:30 and then only had a little while to spend with us before leaving for work. 

We did schedule Brayson's newborn photo shoot now that he was more of the size of a newborn. We did the shoot in my parents backyard. During the shoot Bray was naked and he started pooping and then he was peeing everywhere. It was so funny!! One of my dad's favorite moments was that he peed when he was lying on Danny's Ohio State jersey! When Brayson hit his due date of July 27th he was really arching and starting to spit up and sometimes projectile vomit. This was quite concerning to me. Also, on Brayson's due date Danny and I had our 1st date since he was born. We let my parents keep him overnight for the 1st time. We were nervous and I'm sure they were too! We went to dinner and then a movie and then stopped by to see him but we did leave him there and had a night to our self and sleep haha! When he was about 7 weeks old his projectile vomiting got really bad and scary to me so my mom and me took him to the Dr. They told us that he had acid reflux and gave us zantac to try. I was happy to get something to try and hopefully make my baby feel better. He was starting to be more awake now and a little more interactive but still mostly just sleeping. But now when he was awake he was crying a lot I think from the reflux. I might be in for a rough road with this reflux thing :( but we will see.

Brayson 1 month

It's been a while since I posted but I'm going to try and remember things about each month of his life so far. It's been hard to remember to do this now that he is here and occupying my time!

Brayson's 1st month of life was pretty uneventful after his 5 day NICU stay and my surgery. B/c he was premature he mostly just ate, slept and pooped for the 1st month. He didn't really do much. We did take him up to the lake for the 4th of July and he did great! Danny stayed home with us for his 1st month of life and I am so grateful that he did! Once we decided that formula feeding Brayson was the best and really only option for us we fell into a nice little routine. Danny would stay up with Bray until after his 2 am feeding so he took the 11pm and 2am feedings and I would go to bed around 10. Then I would set my alarm for the 5am and 8am feedings. Bray mostly slept in his swing and then I would come and switch spots on the couch with Danny. It was so nice that he was able to do those feedings and bond with Brayson. It was also so nice for me to be able to actually get some good sleep. Danny can sleep through anything but me I wake up to a pen dropping on the floor. Well Brayson made a bunch of noises that is normal for a newborn. He would grunt and just was pretty noisy and then when hew was quite I would get scared and jump up to make sure he was okay. I'm sure this is pretty typical for a new mom. The day before Brayson's 1 month birthday Danny went back to work. I was so nervous and scared to be all by myself with the baby but we made it! At Brayson's 1 month Dr. appt. he weighed 7lbs and 6oz. So he was really starting to put on the weight and really made me happy with the decision to formula feed with the extra calorie preemie formula.

Very sick Gallbladder 6 days postpartum

So the 6th day of Brayson's life was not a great day for mommy. 1st that morning we went for his checkup and he had gained weight and the Dr. said everything looked good and to come back in a week. He weighed 4 lbs 15 oz at this appt and was 4 lbs 13 leaving the hospital so he had gained weight! After his appointment I had one for the pain I was having. The dr. said it sounded like my gallbladder and ordered me to have bloodwork and an ultrasound that day. I came home and took a nap and pumped and then my mom picked me up to take me to my ultrasound. I had my blood taken for the labs and then went and had the ultrasound. I asked the tech if she would be able to tell me what she saw and she told me she was not allowed to give the results. This was the same tech who told us Brayson was in fact a boy! After a few minutes into the scan she looked at me and said I'm surprised you are not in more pain. Your gallbladder is about to explode. A normal gallbladder is about 5mm yours is 11mm. She then told me I could not leave that she needed me to wait in the waiting room while she contacted my Dr. and the radiologist. I waited there and called Danny and told him that more than likely I was having emergency surgery that evening or the next morning. The tech came out and told me the Dr. would be calling me shortly. Once he called he told me that I needed to go straight to Northside Hospital Emergency room and the surgeon would be meeting with me from there.

My mom drove me to the hospital and I just cried. All I wanted to do in my life was be a mommy and the day after my son comes home I have to go back to the hospital to have surgery and I can't even be there for him. I was also super concerned about breastfeeding b/c of the surgery. Danny obviously had to stay home with the baby and I asked my mom to go and stay with him that night and help him out. My dad went to my house to get me what I needed and he was going to stay the night with me in the hospital. Shortly after arriving at the hospital they put me in a ER room. They came in and hooked up my IV and gave me some pain meds. They told me that from there on until I was off of pain meds I would have to pump and dump. When my dad arrived I did pump and dump which was depressing. A Dr finally came in and talked to us and explained what was going on. Apparently all of my liver panel was extremely elevated indicating the infection. I was also turning jaundice from being so sick. He then explained to us that I would be having laproscopic surgery that night probably around 9 and I should be able to go home the next morning if no complications happened. They were going to have to go in 1st and make sure no stones were blocking anything. If they were then I might have to have a 2nd surgery the following day. A little while later they came and got me and took me to a new room where I was waiting to have surgery and they were prepping me. Then around 8:45 they came and got me and wheeled me into the OR for the surgery. I don't really remember anything after getting in that room so I guess the medicine was pretty good!

I woke up and was in some pain so asked for some pain meds. I believe it was around 12 or 12:30 that I got to my room and my dad got there shortly after. He told me that the Dr. told him it was a good thing that we got it out when we did b/c I was very sick. If my gallbladder had exploded and Brayson was still in me he could have died along with me being very very sick. Everything happens for a reason and God knew that he needed to come early b/c his momma was sick. At the time you don't know why things happen the way they do but it always seems to work out that you find the answer. I truly believe Brayson came early b/c I needed to be diagnosed with my gallbladder and if he was still in me I might not have gotten the blood work or ultrasound to diagnose it. Dad and I came home around 9am the next morning. I was so happy to see my baby! I held him for a little while and then took a nap. I was in a lot of pain from the incisions and also they put gas in your belly so it made my belly ache. I tried to pump a few times during the day but was just so sore and out of it I didn't do it much. My mom spent the night with us again to help with the baby as I couldn't do to much. The next day I pumped every 3 hours but my milk supply had dwindled to almost nothing. I tried to get him to eat from me and still nothing worked. That night Danny still fed him every 3 hours while I pumped. Still my production was not increasing. Saturday morning Danny had tennis and my mom came over to help me with the baby. She came in my room to ask me how I was and I just burst into tears. The surgery had totally killed my milk production and I was getting so depressed about it. I had decided that instead of getting postpartum depression that it would be better to just formula feed Brayson. My mom said she totally understood. I was worried about telling Danny how I felt though b/c he was very pro about me breastfeeding. That afternoon I told him and he was upset but agreed. I felt this was a good decision not only for me but also for Brayson. This way we knew exactly how much he was eating and he was on a higher calorie formula for premature babies. Since having my gallbladder out I have had 1 of the side effects they said was common and that is going to the restroom a few times a day sometimes just after taking a sip of water. I also got a very sore belly button from the incision but for the most part I feel much better and have healed well. The dr. said it can take up to a year after a surgery for your body to completely recover.

Life in the NICU

The day after my water broke the NICU team came in and talked to Danny and I about what we could expect with having a 6 week premature baby. They told us that we should expect him to be in the NICU until his due date maybe a few weeks before just depending. That was so sad to me b/c 6 weeks is a long time for a baby to be at the hospital. When Brayson was born he didn't need help breathing b/c his lungs had matured b/c of the steroid shots. He actually scored 9/9 on his APGARS and his breathing was at 100%. He was bigger than expected we were told earlier in the week between 4 1/2 to 5 lbs. When Brayson came out he was so healthy and was plump and did not look like a premature baby. He did have an IV put in him b/c of precautions b/c my water had been broken for so long. He would have to be on antibiotics for 2 days and they would test him to make sure he was okay and no infection.

After a few hours of sleep after he was born I was anxious to go and see my baby. I went down there and he was just so sweet and so small but he looked healthy and good and big especially compared to the other babies in the NICU. A little while later I met with the lactation consultant and started pumping to give him my milk. Later that day I went down with my dad. They had to draw his blood then and pricked his poor little foot and he cried and cried and I cried and cried that was so hard for me. I did get to hold him and even try to feed him. It was so amazing to hold and cuddle my baby. My heart just grew and grew for my little guy. We visited him as much as we could that day and later in the evening he got moved to another part of the NICU. I continued to pump and bring him down milk.

The day after was a tough day for Brayson. He had a feeding tube put in and they also had to put an IV in his head b/c his poor veins in his hands had blown b/c they were so tiny. That was so hard to see tubes and needles in my baby's head. Later that day he also had developed jaundice and had to go under the bili lights and I couldn't hold him at all. I was so sad. I did get to hold him later that evening and we went back for his 11 o clock feeding and Danny even got to feed him which was so nice. We were able to change his diaper and hold him for a few minutes. Sat he was doing better but still needed the lights. We met with the lactation consultant again down in the NICU so I could get him to latch on and eat from me. He did great with that and it was so awesome. My milk had come in full force that day and my boobs were so heavy and sore. I was then released from the hospital. After being in there for a week I was so happy to get outside and go home but at the same time I was so sad I had to leave my baby. We had to go to the store and get a few things that Brayson would need that we didn't have yet. My parents went around 8 that night and were so happy b/c they got to feed him and hold him. We went in at 11 that night and got to feed him and the NICU nurse told us he was doing so well and didn't expect him to be in there for very long. Sunday was Father's day and the 1st for Danny! We got a call that am telling us that Brayson had been moved to the Annex NICU, which is the stepdown NICU for the babies getting ready to be released from the hospital. What a great Father's Day present. Brayson had his feeding tube out and the IV's out and was out from the lights. It was so nice to see. He was also in an open crib and maintaining his own temperature. The NICU nurse also made Danny a father's day card which was so sweet. Danny loved it. We visited him a few times that day so I could feed him and bring him milk. Monday was pretty much the same he continued to improve and we visited him as much as possible. He got circumcised and we were told he was being discharged the following day!! We watched the discharge videos and got excited about him coming home. Brayson was doing good on eating and breastfeeding.

On Tuesday I hadn't gotten a call yet so around 11 I called and they said they were still waiting for him to be discharged by the Dr. So we ran a few errands and got to the hospital around 1 or 1:30. I was starting to feel the same rib pain I had felt in the beginning of May. So I was walking around in pain trying to ignore it. It took about 3 hours before they were able to discharge him but then he was all ours.  We brought him home and my family came over and had dinner with us. I continued trying to feed him.  My rib was starting to hurt worse and worse and I just didn't feel good but I wanted to take care of my baby. After all how lucky were we that our 6 week early baby came home in 5 days? When we got home our a/c proceeded to break and we had to get someone out to the house immediately with a brand new baby at home it was way to hot. The day before that our water heater had gone out again so we weren't having the best of luck. After everyone left I went to take a nap in between feedings but could not fall asleep b/c I was in a lot of pain. I called my mom and told her and just cried from not feeling good. That night we woke up every 3 hrs to feed the baby. I would pump and Danny would feed him b/c I was in to much pain to hold him and try to feed him. By 5am I was in so much pain and having another attack I was sweaty and nauseous and weak and I couldn't even hold my baby b/c I was afraid I was about to throw up. I curled up in a ball and after not sleeping all night I passed out. I had called the Dr. over night and had an appt at 11 and Brayson had his checkup with the pedi at 10am.

Baby Brayson comes into the world June 14th, 2012 1:01am

Wed night June 13th as the nurses switched shifts the new nurse came in to introduce herself. I was really in a lot of pain at this point. Well I told the nurse that I was having a ton of pressure and pain in my back and she told me that I was just having Braxton Hicks contractions ha. My mom decided that she was gonna go home but told my dad when she got home that I was going to have the baby that night. I got another dose of medicine and was able to fall asleep for about an hr or so. I woke up around 11 and had awful pain in my back and butt. I got up to pee and after this the back labor/contractions were unbearable. I was clinging to the side of the bed in pain. The nurse came in to put me back on the monitors. While I am clinging to the bed she is fumbling with his heartrate monitor. I am almost screaming at this point and she probably messed with the monitor for 15 min. She left the room for a minute and I told Danny that I thought his head was right there. He ran out of the room and said somebody needs to come check my wife now. A nurse comes in and barely puts 1 finger in me and felt his head. At this point it became a mad scramble. Danny packed up all of our stuff and the nurses unhooked me from everything and rushed me down to labor and delivery. I got down there probably around 12:15 and they made me change beds in the middle of trying not to push. Danny said when I switched beds you could see the baby's head. I was so exhausted at this point and felt delirious. I also think I was in a bit of shock that I was about to have my son and that I was going to have to do it without any pain medication. I was also upset that my mom wasn't there. I started to push but it was so weird b/c you have the urge to push but at the same time it feels like your body is fighting against you b/c it hurts so bad. My mom made it around 12:30 and her and my sister came in the room. I continued to push and then I was told I had made it to the point where I would feel what is called the "ring of fire" and that is exactly what it felt like. I was screaming in pain and the nurses told me to use all my strength to push. I have to say during the whole process Danny was such a good coach and support. My mom kept asking me if I wanted a mirror to see or if I wanted to feel his head. I said no b/c in between pushing I would almost fall asleep from being so tired. And when I was pushing my eyes were closed. So I finally started pushing so hard and finally out came his head. And then the rest of his body.

Brayson Keith Wilcox was born at 1:01 am on Thursday, June 14th, 2012 at 33 weeks and 6 days in room 101. He came out screaming and turned pink right away. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen in my whole life. Even being early he had chubby little cheeks! They let Danny cut his cord and they took him over to access him and weigh him. Danny came over and told me he was perfect and that he was 5lbs 5oz and 19 inches long. Which is big for 6 weeks early! I was so happy he was that big. I also was so relieved that he was out and he seemed to be doing so well. I instantly felt better when he was out. Well for a second anyway. They then had to get my placenta out and while pulling on the cord it snapped and the midwife had to reach in and pull out my placenta which was a whole new pain in itself. At this point I learned that I had torn from I believe the placenta and not the baby. I needed 2 stitches. Well since I didn't have any pain meds I was told this would be less painful if they just did the 2 stitches instead of giving me a shot to numb it. So they started the stitches and they brought over Brayson so I could hold him for a minute. I was so happy b/c when my water broke my biggest fear was that I wasn't going to get to hold my baby that I had waited so long to hold. They put him in my arms and he was just so beautiful and didn't feel that small to me at all. Danny then held him for the 1st time. I have never in my whole life seen my husband beam more than he did seeing his son and holding him for the 1st time. They then took Brayson to the NICU and Danny was allowed to go see him an hour later. My dad and brother came in the room right after he was born and my dad was so excited to see his grandchild. He told me that when he heard him cry he burst into tears b/c he knew he was okay.  Danny went and saw him and brought back each family member and Brittany one at a time to see him. My dad had the IPAD and brought back his phone so I could see him on FaceTime. I then went and saw him around 3am. They then brought us up to our room and got us all situated around 4am. In that time we had filed a former complaint about the nurse who told me that I was having Braxton Hicks and ignored the way I was acting. I mean by the time they got me down to labor and delivery I had him within 45 minutes. If she had kept ignoring me I could've had him upstairs.

33 weeks 1 day! Just a normal day right?

So as Danny and I have been doing for awhile we drove home from our trip the night before everyone else. We picked up Chipper from Mary's house and slept in our own bed which was so nice considering the bed in the hotel was like a rock. The next day was June 9th, 2012 and I was 33 weeks 1 day pregnant. The next day I was supposed to have my other baby shower with my Sterling friends from tennis! Danny and I got up that morning and headed to the Braves game to get our Sid Bream bobblehead. I told him the only way I was going was if we had covered seats. Well he got us tickets in the Lexus level which has a/c inside and I sat in there most of the time. Besides feeling tired I felt pretty normal that day. For some odd reason Danny decided that we could leave the game early and I was so happy b/c the chairs were so uncomfortable. We left and made the long walk out to the parking lot. While we were in the car on our way to the varsity I felt what I thought was a real contraction. I just figured my body was trying to get ready for labor and just preparing itself.

Danny and I went to the Varsity and ordered our food. As we were eating I was about 2/3 of the way done with my hotdog when I felt a warm gush. I'm pretty sure I lost all the color in my face. I looked up at Danny and told him that I was pretty sure my water had just broken. He was like no way. I said yes and he looked and saw water dripping off of my chair onto the floor. He ran up to the counter and asked for a towel and they gave him a tiny little washcloth haha!! Now we had the attention of all the other people in the restaurant and they came over and started offering to help. They offered to clean up and throw our food away and just told Danny to get me to the hospital. As we left the restaurant my shoes were squeaking and water was running down my legs. It was quite embarrassing. Danny got a bag out of the car for me to sit on. On the way I called my parents and told my dad my water had broken. He thought I was playing a joke at first  b/c it was so early but then could hear in my voice that I was serious and he said it's to early. On our way to the hospital Danny called our insurance and told them what had happened and that we were on our way. I stayed pretty calm but started to freak out the closer we got b/c my water continued to come out and I was scared.

When we arrived at the hospital they were expecting me but didn't have a room ready yet. I sat in the lobby of the hospital in a wheel chair for what felt like forever but I think was about 15 minutes. As I was sitting there my water continued to break and was pouring over the wheel chair onto the floor. When they wheeled me back Danny said there was a trail the whole way to the room. My parents got there pretty quick and I wanted to see my mom so bad. They put me on the monitors for me and the baby. I was contracting but they weren't very strong yet. They gave me a shot to stop the contractions and a steroid shot to help mature Brayson's lungs. I was eventually moved to a labor and delivery room. The Dr. finally came in and talked to me and told me the plan was to get 2 steroid shots and to stop labor until Friday when I would be 34 weeks. They then had to give me a 2nd shot to stop the contractions but that wasn't working so I was told I would be put on magnesium to stop the contractions and I would have to get an IV and catheter. I was so afraid to get the catheter. I was put on an extremely high dose of magnesium and had never felt so sick in my whole life. Danny went home to get a bag for me and him and our camera and anything else we may need. We weren't sure if the mag was going to work our not and needed to be prepared. My parents went home and Danny I stayed for our 1st of many nights in the hospital.

The next day was Sunday and supposed to be the day of my 2nd shower. Instead, I was in the hospital feeling like complete and total crap with the absolute worst headache and double vision. It felt like the flu times 10 ugh. I had a view visitors during the day and then my mom and aunt insisted that I be moved to the room across the hall b/c it was brighter and better view. So they moved me. I could have cared less I felt so bad so it was more for them than me. Apparently mag makes you extremely hot too so I had the air so low but everyone else was in their winter jackets in the middle of June. I was still roasting even with the air so low. I got my 2nd steroid shot and told that if I could make it to Tues I would be taken off the mag and let my body due what it wanted. Monday was more of the same feeling miserable and out of it. Finally, I made it to 8am on Tues am and they were allowed to stop the mag. Within an hr my head started to clear up and I started to feel better. I had the best nurse for 2 of those days I was in labor and delivery her name was Erin. Her and another nurse came in and gave me a sponge bath complete with a hair washing. It felt soooooo good. It also felt so good to be clean since it had been since Sat that I had showered. That day I had a pretty good day and my contractions had completely stopped. So about 3 that afternoon they decided to move me upstairs to the high risk unit. High risk is more for a long term stay and they figured I had until Fri until they were going to induce my labor they also monitor you less. It's supposed to be more of a hotel room feel. So they removed my catheter and I stood up for the 1st time in day to get in the wheel chair. I was now able to get up and use the restroom on my own but that was the only time I was allowed out of the bed.

That night we tried to go to bed early b/c we were tired but I had a really hard time sleeping. I could hear every little noise. At around 2:30 I got up to use the restroom and then noticed that I was having contractions. So I paged the nurse to come in and we monitored them for a while. They were about 7 min apart so the nurse had the midwife come check me and I was still at 1. She gave me a shot of morphine and I think I dosed in and out of sleep until around 10:30am. The best you can when the nurses and staff are in and out of your room. At 10:30 the contractions felt like they had intensified and I woke up Danny and we started timing them. They were about 5 min apart and lasting about a min each. At lunch time the Dr. came in and she checked me again. She said I was a 2. They didn't want to check me to much though b/c of the risk of infection to me and the baby. They ordered a pain killer for me and I got my 1st dose around 2.  I tried to go to sleep b/c it made me feel very loopy. But at this point I was having very bad back labor and it was hurting so bad. The medicine made the front contractions go away or to the point where I couldn't feel them. But didn't touch the back contractions. That whole day was awful for me as I was in labor and none of the nurses were listening to me.